Its been a hard day's night
todays a short one. Aint got no time on my hands
1) im tired.worked till 3 am the day before
2) work was ok today, surprisingly better than expected
3) went home with Vic, had a good time, playing soccer soon on Aug 16, he is
very enthu
4) now going to watch buffy...
Today i was thinkin bout uni the whole day, then today she dropped me wif a bomb, as she became pissed that we didnt have anything to talk about...oh well, i was just damn tired, but she feels damn down....sigh sigh sigh....
just as things were starting to look up
its ok kitten i still love u.
I will be walking with hot on Preview day, next entry is prob then. Looking but not looking forward to it....sigh lar....
maybe life didnt get better...
it just got
less worse
Out.
Im going under!!!
finally i have time to blog, cos yesterdae had a late night watchin drumline and all....more about things so far.
Uni
Had a wonderful time with uni in the morning yest as she came over, i really love being in her company honestly, and i was glad that I could spend a bit of my day with her, cos its been a while since we had time with each other. ALthough I accidentally spilled some of the oil onto her(right so much for cooking), the rest of the day went well, and I love her more than ever now.
Work
I have finally decided not to care about the Ops Order. I mean wats the point? Want to finish fast but cannot even put it in the effort to stay back and vet.
Yes thats you Uncle Chua. If I have to stay back back then I will, no doubt bout it, but beyond that the ball is in his court, if its late its cos of him. He probably is gonna complain if its late, but
i dont care.I wont care. Cos its not gonna make a difference.
Secondly,
See is getting on my nerves. I think he is realli not cut out for this kinda work, he doesnt use his brain enough sometimes, hes the kinda person who can only work under instruction and doesnt noe how to speed up things when he can, thats why he ends up working harder than he should. Hmm....on 2nd thoughts....
Maybe he is cut out for this job.
Honestly sometimes he and brother Jimmy should wake up and smell the coffee, cos the coffee is growing stale, they're being slaved by OOP, and to make things worse, they complicate things to slave themselves. Work hard they do, but def far from working smart. One can only look at how they type e-mails to say this.
Basketball
Yesterdae basketball was frustrating, and I even walked away at the end. I mean I noe i wasnt the most skilled or best player there...in fact I probably was the worst, but it seemed like people just didnt want to pass me the ball, no matter how open I was, Mr C in particular lar....but wtf right...? its just dat I pulled my weight in other aspects of the team hence wanted to do the same during offence lar... but oh well, I walked away kinda disillusioned when I realised as much as I wanted to play in a team, the team just didnt want to play wif me....oh well....They say theres gonna be another session in a week's time, but I may prob just give it a miss.
Oh well dats about it, time is running out for the Preview and all but its ok i dont care, and will not care, cos I realised dats theres no point in caring for something so much when other people dont. I dont wanna be a siiting duck to be used and victimised.
As I said to Yu wei today;
"
If there's one thingI learnt about work is that there's no use standing up for people cos they will not stay up for u. And that goes for everybody."
i will remember you...
In memory of tok,
Today i suddenly started crying to myself again...well i was watchin this program on CNA about the foreman who died in the Nicoll Highway Collapse, and they showed snippets of his son, daughter talking bout him and all. somehow what this only served to do was to make me reminisce about Tok, and how its been one long year since he's been gone. To this day i still regret not doing well enough in my As just so dat he would be happy. And i will never know if he wil be happy, or not. but i noe i wont....
Tok, even though u cant hear me and all, its ok, i just wanna tell you that u have always been an inspiration to me, and i wanna thank u for takin care of me all the way till i was in primary 3-4. Will never forget those days wif u at Blk 90, i think its so great that i work so close to it now....will never forget those tuition lessons at melville....tok, thanx for evrything, and i told myself the day u went away, that i will never forget u and and all that you've done, and i will work hard, so ull be prud of me...even though your no longer here, i will always feel you to be part of me, all the time u made me laugh with your funny antics....
and forever willing to give me a ride home....
this may not be important things, bit its memories like this which will stay wif me forever.
someday, if im grown up and talking to my kidz, i will make sure i mention u and how much u mean to me....u went too fast, but im glad u didnt have to endure any more pain.
Now the pain and regret is mine to keep, but i will spur myself to do better and make u proud.
Thats a promise tok....
I will not disappoint u again.
so now my shirt is wet,
with sweat, tears and that odd bit of mucus from all the crying ive done at the laptop.
But its ok, i feel more at ease now that ive said what i wanted to say.
looking ahead...a tough week beckons.
but im ready.
Out.
what a week!!
The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions, Ill try to take you through it lar....
Jia Jun
i finally got to speak to her on msn,oh yah i finalli started using msn, and we talked for wuite a while, i was happy that she was happy, but i think i did something stupid....
i apologised to her about the past and all and u noe went into that sort of "its totalli my fault lar" thing and she replied with her "
not wanting to think of the past" ....oh well...alright then, hope she didnt get anything too misleading lar...hahaha...let bygones be bygones, now im deeply deeply in lvoe wif uni, and to me dats all dat matters....
OOP
today my opinion of him tok another dip, as i saw him leave all his work to go and suck up to HOT and DY at CGH, he pretended to be concerned and all, but honestly, how can u tell from a man who cant even be botherd bout the men under him, i can see
right through that son of a bitch. i noe all that he does has an agenda lar....oh well suit himself lar, to me everyday is a day closer to the end of all this...i just hope someday he will learn lar....
MAJU
This was the biggest headache today lar, things are not going right st maju, and im frustrated, cos coach and mini are pretty much at loggerheads, and i have come to mini's side, and i think now its me and min against ting and coach and all....the problem wif these people is:
They are STUBBORN...okok so am i, but i noe wat and when to be so, im not stubborn all the time...honestly i realli didn see the point in havin the dialog session as long as we get rebutted lar,
and i think from now on just gotta try and think positive and try to change things around...its obvious coach still likes all his old players and is defending them, but im gonna make sure soon everybody works hard lar...dont wanna things to get worse than they already are.
though it is damn hard
oh well when the ging gets tough, the tough get going lar....
Ah Ang's moment of glory...
and i wont be there, gave a damn stupid reason, but as ive said earlier, as proud as i am of him, i still cant bring yself there cos my heart will be in to much pain lar.....sorry cecil, i hope u understand and see things from My point of view....it realli is fighting a losing battle, a cancer eating away at your soul with every passing moment... i hard HElmi signed on cos he got the SAF scholarship...good for him lar, there he is throing and picking up new scholarships, and here i am struggling to pick up the pieces in my life...it sux but i will survive and
i will conquer. noone believes but me, but that should be enough.
Uni
uni this is a tribute to you, for keeping me going, even though youre not here, knwoing i have your love is more than enough.
oh well tuesday got game of basketball, realli lookin forward to dat. its late , so late already, prob time to call it a day lar. one hell of a mother-fuckin week comin up...
out.
im not a perfect person....
today i read a book that HOT passed to me bout
General Patton, some sort of a world war two legend...can u imagine he actually slapped, not one,but
two soldiers in hospital.....and why?
cos they were in there not cos of physical injuries but cause of battle fatigue....
so far from what ive read he seems a pretty amazing guy, amazing of cos not bearing a positive or negative connotation lar...these type of characters who are usually brilliant are always kinda contreversial lar....
Im not a perfect person
Well yah im not, b ut i do aim to be.
I realli am sitting down now and thinkin bout what i wanna be...a sad loser always whining bout his fate, or someone who grabs fate by his two hands and turns it around for himself...
easier said than done
i will try, but im scared,of failing and starting back at square one, its happened so many times...
1) i change my mindset
2) im more positive
3) i get happier
4) reality sinks in
5) i start sinking and sinking into self-pity
6) im back where i started....
6 simple steps.
im scared, but well if i hve to spend the rest of my life trying to live my life in a happier state of mind then i will....cos thats all i can do...
try.
i hope god is wif me, today i realised that no matter how bad life seems, if you noe you have god around for u, it always feels better....
i have ignored him for so long...
does He want me back?
i hope so.
Phil and Cheryl
contact has been established!!
a cold start but its stil a start lar...phils a nice guy, though shes a bit young...
so as i told ufi...
it may be odd, but its not WRONG!!
so who noes?
all the best phil...
time for u to be e man. Well at least one of us is happier....
Out.
save me from the nothing i've become!!
sigh......im sorry my brother cecil, i dont mean to lie to you bro, I mean i would want to go to your commisioning parade but well i cant lar.....i realli cant....
i just cant face reality, i just cant look at all of you and tell myself, man i wish i was there...wait a minute....
i
should be there.....
maybe,
but the most important thing is...
im not.
not a day goes by man....and not a day goes by that i dont look in the mirror and think to myself...wat am i...i am nothing....oh sigh sigh sigh...this will appear so many more times on my blog, maybe i should save it into a template lar....
Basketball
today went to play some bball with phil e man, victor and colin...was quite fun, we played amongst ourselves, and we SAs kicked regular ass at first...then me and vic teamed up for some realli good plays lar....but dunno we won or not...haha...then we played with some secondary school guys lar....realli a motley crew,some were interestingly annoying but overall we played some good bball, and most importantly i worked up a good sweat....
Vic is really good lar, hes not skilful utt hes damn full of enthu and i think dats wat realli keeps him going throughout he game....phil is quite power lar, his finishing is impressive, sometimes he doesnt go all the way in chalenging the person, but i realise dat well nobody does except me!! haha....darn it, i guess dats me lar, always trying to work hard to make up for all in what i lack...bro colin is just realli calm lar, and i was quite impressed by his psychomotor skills...maybe cos i underestimated it at first...
however...one thing puzzles me,
why evrybody so polite?
touch a bit - sorry
hit my finger - sorry
step on my foot - sorry
breath a bit - sorry
sigh...and evrything is a foul....
seriously lar, if this guys played soccer...they would be done for....
dont let me even start on rugby.
out.
its been a long day....always...
sigh, here i am in my aunty's place, realli wanted to blgo and share my thoughts of yesterday...it was a fully pathithic day, yes
NE Show 2004...
My Job
I was the runner, hmmm and remember vic coming up to me and saying...
"ok when the fax comes out u take it to pass to then"
and my reply was....
"
"ok, about 9 steps from here to there? hmmm should be able to lar..."
seriously man, this kinda job is so pathetic and uttely insults my intelligence...i mean yeah im not the brightest bulb in the box, but jobs like dat? man, might as well give to a five year old, who will be more than willing...bleargh...
HOT
hot came along and saved my ass, he asked me to walk the gorund with him, which though was quite awkward, since i felt so extra, was definitely better than sitting around doin nothin, at times i walked with him and Dy, even worse, but nemind i told myself, just be thick-skinned and relax lar....i made it a point to always walk about 2 and a half steps behind them, didnt want to "
aksen" and walk beside them....hahaha
Stand Down
this was so frustrating, due to the brilliance of the army, we had to stay until 12plus before we could stand down, so we decided to pack up the command post and travel around in a van....but i think wat was worse was that some kids just boarded their buses at 0025hrs...seriously the army f***d up beyond words, and they should consider a better event managment external agency to handle this kinda thing.....at least we police guys did ok i think...
anyways that was NE show 04, by the time i had bathed and lay down to sleep, it was 0215hrs....bleargh...in the end woke up close to 12 today....but nemind the impt thing is that its over lar....still have preview and NDP itself, but ill take one day at a time lar...my mother keep nagging bout my sloppiness and i cant be bothered lar, i noe and i think everybody noes, that when i want to dress smart i will, and other times i just couldn care less cos i dont care bout how people judge me... i mean if they judge me
fully by my sense of dressing, then id rather not care about them....shallow jabronies....
oh well phil e man, i think has hit the jackpot with his latest find lar....i think bout 95% is cheryl lar....good for him! he has realli been determined bout the whole thing...oh well tom got basketball, so will attempt to change tuition tomorrow.......out.
stop crying your heart out
Today was a realli funny day, as usual stuff in office sucked like hell....Uncle Chu is truly satan incarnate, I just don't get him.....he tries to act like his perfect and all but the thing is he is
so damn flawedevrybody knows dat, i pity victor now cos he has officialy taken over as my complaining post, the P side of the office is truly going down the drain, a fucked up boss, two guys under him who just follow blindy,and to cap it all off.. uncle chua is one
greatest of the hypocrites ive seen in my life.
Lunchtime
Couldnt come soon enough for me....we finally took a break at 2 an rushed to the nearby basketball court o play basketball, did lotsa shootin, oh well at least i was hitting the rim n all lar....then had some one on one sessions, which i though was not bad even though I was running on a swollen right ankle, well at least its now less swollen lar....phil e man even thought me how to lay-u,which I think is pretty useful lar....
After Work
Uni came and met me and we took dinner at my place.We watched a bit of TV and then it as already time for her to go home...the wait for the bus, and the tripto her place and back to mine took a lot outta me, made me realli tired. But i realli appreciate her coming down, like I said to her, thre are some people who take the heart out of you, but there willalways be those whoput it rightback in.....like Uni...she bears with all y disgusting and obnoxious habits, haha like phil said, its amazing she's still wif me...
Oh well dats it for now, tired like shit and got recce in the morning tomorrow....man man man...sigh i wish I could butijust cant stop crying my heart out, esp so with the frustratig atmosphere in the office....dammit uncle chua is such a poor example of a man....sigh...k this is where i end.
Work, LP, Phil e man, God = my day
work
hell of a day....hell of a day. I havent been so tired from work since i dunno when(excluding ops of course) today work started around nine and ended at 10, 13 hours in all....we had to rush for the ops order, of course as usual Uncle Chua doesnt make it any better...he didnt give us much time lar, and told me that in th future i should show him the annexes before printing them in mass, of course in his usual condescending tone....well i would of course....
IF YOU WERE IN HALF THE TIME!!! sometimes life with uncle C realli sux lar, and toay was no diffrent, after putting in all the effort into the ops order, he just ignored my efforts and put the names of all the regulars in the "credits", sigh some people are so desperate for their
moment...hahaha....even listed down the names of those people who didnt even lend a finger....sigh...its so frustrating someimtes, but as much as i just wanna spew out vulgarities at his candy ass, i must learn to control, cos there will always be these sort of people in life....although its kinda sad to be unrecognised and all, i noe for sure that at the end of the day phil will be gettin a PNS commendation, and me? lucky if i dont gt blacklisted lar....ife is so bleargh sometimes but well like Larkin said...
"life is slow dying"
couldnt ring any truer
LP
as we went pass 2030, phil had an idea to put LPon, and this realy kinda woke us up lar,despite being so tired, we jumped around, shouted, did a bit of smash dancing....and best of all threw a raincoat on brother jim as we sang in the end....hahaha!!!phil was right, in times of stress, take a dose of LP as desired...till satisfaction.
Phil e Man
wat can i say bout this buddy of mine?he realli lived up to his name of being "the man" and i am truly grateful for his help...and to think that i actually said he could go home first!! hahaha....and he even gave me a lift home, w/o me askin him....he times we spend doing work and playing the fool will realli stick in my mind forever...haha...sometimes its just like im back in school and i realli enjoy it....Phil has become infatuated with a basketball player from SAC whos well not exactly very old...haha...but
"quite gymboyz(pretty)" to him, and he kept repeating it to me today....bout 3679 times i think lar, from lunchtime to work to dinner....non-stop!!! and im supposed to help him lar....funny dude, so infatuated is he...i still rem him sayin he was "in deep shit" as i alighted his family car...oh well as silly as i think it seems, i will try and help him lar....cos we struck some kinda deal....luckily uni's sister is in SAC, at least i have a head start...none theless despite all his unny idiosyncracies, hes always been a great help. tomorrow we'll be watchin absketball again,....and mean girls....cheers Phil e Man!!
God
lately ive been strying off from god, weeks have turned to months and all and i feel rather wel sinful, but the worse thing is dat i cant bring myself to come back to god...been tring but oh welll...god is so impt, but i cant even give him the reverance he deserves....sigh...wt is happeing to me? i feel so aimless so empty nowadays...feels funny....feels scary...ut im intent on reestablishing my reltionship with god at the soonest and get going in my life lar....my only fear, is of God telling me i have run out of time.
= my day
so that was my day, im so tired now, i will go collapse now. Its been a long day. Yes.
But to me it wasnt wasted....my eyelids are drooping........
Look what youve done....
the title has no bearing to anything, its just that darn jet song thats stuck in my head lar....hehe...today has been a tiring day, had a long long day at work, luckily phil the man was around to assist, realli tough trying to settle the tedious ops order, but itll be the last NDP one im doing so its all good....realli ahd fun wif phil and bert today, we realli are full of crap, but i think i will just die without them around lar....went to watch basketball today again....SAC is realli good! led TKG by 20 points in the first quarter...i found my fave player, no 7, whom I call the horse, cos she kinda looks like one but most imptly is really really hardworking and i respect that, whereas phil cannot get over the SAC No. 9, whom he says is
"quite gymboyz"..right phil
tuition was frustrating man...sometimes dunno if she is interested lar, never seen somebody who can dream so much, now im realli thankful mama and baba were so fierce and didnt alowme to stray. They realli made me wat i am today, haha, hmm not sure if its good or bad though....but yah tuition sucked, was waiting for the day to end at 9pm, every minute was like a gazilion hours....bleargh...just got off the phone from uni...
she is really the sweetest!!
shes so amazing...sometimes i feeel i disappoint her by just being myself...
im full of inner demons...
but i pretend and pretend
that im strong, and capable and good n all
when in actual fact...sigh
....look what you've done....
you've made a fool of everyone.....
wednesday should be meangirls day...to all my gymboyz/moo-man at Golf, heres to u guys man....
GYMBOYZ!!!
Why is life like this?
Why is life like this? hmmmmm...not a day goes by not a day goes by that i dont wake p and wonder how i got into this mess....Ah-ang got sword of honour at OCS, wow....im realli realli happy for him lar, as mama said, if there's one person in the world who deserves it its him...i totally agree...
but it just serves to highlight my own crappy life...wat can i do?
But moan....and groan...every other day?
I thoght id never say it but now i wish i was back in the rat-race, and having the power over my own fate...right now....oh well..busking was ok, dont think we were superb but as always, must always look at the circumstances behind it...
im so confused now....why am i so weak? is it a sign? or just a warning dat i shouldn try it again....and fail....yet something deep inside just wonders....but at least ive got uni to keep me going...my last saving light in this dark tunnel...she doesnt no how much i rely on her to get thru each day....
soccer...soccer...now i got injured in both feet....bleargh...gave away a penalty and all....where is maju going? we have a direction but we cannot afford to stray away from it....this is our last chance....
hold on moo-man...dont let go....less than a year....
just keep believing...
