Looking for a light

This week has not been a very good one.

The recent Tsunamis have really touched the rawest of nerves in me. Somehow, more than anything else, I felt realli realli grateful that Singapore was not a victim of the Tsunamis. But well, 71 000 othe people from places like Aceh, Penang, Phuket, Sri Lanka and even the normally serene Maldives was not spared. I cant imagine the true magnitude of the catastrophe and a part of me doesnt. Even though the 71000 are dead, the number is expected to increase due to the spread of diseases, and more imptly, I cant imagine the number of wives who lost their husbands, or children who lost their parent/s. These thoughts are rather overwhelming.

And here we are in Singapore, being frustrated cos of a jam, angry that you have to get yourself wet cos of the lack of a covered walkway, we feel disappointed for not getting that pay raise, yet all this pale or even disappear in comparison to what has happened around us.

I feel like one of those callous people, that was referred to in the book "Regeneration". I realli feel like i have taken so many things for granted, and expected so many things in return, without realising that waking up each day, safe and sound, is the greatest blessing i will ever have. I ont blame anybody for getting caught up in this rat race, but well stuff like this serves to remind us that there are much more impt, or worse things that can happen in the world.

I tell myself this everyday. And the daily newspapers remind me of this everyday.

Is it worth it trying to go out your way for people when ultimately u may not get it in return?

People always say that its not good to do things and then expect things in return. Well, true I guess. But then again, its only human to feel that you deserve something. But after NS, and getting posted to perhaps, and possibly, the worse goddamn hellhole a human can bein that is SPF, i stopped believeing that as long as you work hard, you will get something in return.

Today I took 5, yes 5 buses home, from Johor,toat least spend a bitof my Sat with Uni. Unfortunately, she left for Johor today.

Sometimes I am thankful that at least my faith, which cannot run away, disappear, hate me, avoid me, or grow distant, stays wif me. For dat, life is worth living.

On sat, after 2 years, i finally took my first steps out of Singapore. I left on Friday, and me and my bro actually freakin walked along the causeway. It was quite ok actually, but the funny thing was, as fast as we walked, lotsa ppl were overtaking us. Suddenly I realli felt rather slow. The weather was also hot and humid, and the constant roar of the motorcyle a foot away didnt do anything to make things better.

But, we survived and reached my grandma's house. I basically spent the wholetime there slacking.Watched a malay VCD, looked at the fishes, which were bloody huge... and also laterin the nite went for dinner at the nearby road stalls. I ate some tandoori dish which was about 4 ringgit, less than 2 bucks in Singapore.

I basically made the trip for one purpose, which was to spend time with my Grandma. Sometimes I realli feel bad that shes there all alone, and I dont have time nor take the effort to see her. She misses my late grandpa(the one who passed away last year) a lot, I can tell. And she lives in Johor all alone, in a three storey house. She would have sold the house and moveed back to Singapore, if not for the fact that she wanted to tend to the fishes and the plants, which were a legacy of my grandpa's. She just keeps holding on, as if ending to them was like tending to my grandpa. She just keeps holding on.

Sometimes I feel sad. But I also feel very heartened by it. That is what true love is all about. The cliches are all true. It never dies.

Went back to VJ dat day to play soccer against the juniors, and lost 3-2. They are real good, played hard, and ran a lot, typical VJ. Funny thing was, as I played, rested, changed up and drove away with Daniel in Esmond's car, I didnt feel a sense of longing to return, like i did before. I think I've moved on, and managed to take the best part of VJ wif me. I guess the thought dat all i did in VJ came to naught in NS did play a part in all this. But im grateful all the same.

Exciting stuff are coming up wif the RI malay guys, I hope we can do great in this latest venture of ours. Somehow, we always do well together, hope this is no different.

Finally my dear Uni is back, its so nice to finally have her around, the past 3 weeks have been a bit hard without her around, but its alright now!

Fiasco

Fetching Uni was the messiest thing on earth. She kep changing her plans, first it was the plane, then it was the boat, then the plane again. I arrived in Changi airport totally not knowing if I was at the right place. To make things worse, Ufi, Uni's sis told me she was going by boat, so well i couldnt be at two places at one time, so just gave it my best guess. Worse still, I thought she was coming from Jakarta, but actually she took a flight from Bali.

Thankfully, I didnt have to wait long, and by 1820, i got a call from her saying she was already in the airport. Thankfully Uni didnt lose a lot of weight, if not at all, seems they ate chicken everyday, def better than the dhal and rice and buffalo milk I had in Nepal for so long. however, the sun did take its toll on her a bit. But most imptly for me she was safe and sound.

****** 6

Today we had the first meeting of the 6 at OPH(go figure). We trashed out a lot of stuff, it was a realli good discussion. Even syarif sang for us at the stage in the cafe, and all of us enjoyed it immmensely. We had a really good discussion, and totally absorbed the Victorian surroundings. Cikgu Karmin brought us to the chamber, where we saw the 3 Mezzos perform, which was incredible, their voices were super super good, and the brilliant aacoustics of the place was such that we could hear them clearly even when their backs were turned towards us, even without a mike!

We then went to Lau Pa Sat, were Cikgu was scaring the shit out of me wif all the ghost stories of the RI campus and Macritchie. He was quite caught up wif telling the stories. Haha. After he left us about 12, we found a new place sat down, and ironed all the ideas for the new project we are gonna work on. Sorry cant say much about it now, cos dont wanna give any false hopes. And no, I havent shared this with anybody at all so its not wat u think. We talked till 2 plus, before going home. Oh well, when u meet old frends time passes by so quickly.

Tomorrow will be going to VJ to play against the current VJ team. Funnily enough I have a problem cos now there are too many players and I hope everybody will have a chance to play lar...LOL. Oh well its a good problem, I cant wait to play, and after dat head to Johor to see my grandma, I miss the place, it realli makes me feel so free from evrything.

Being a Friend

I was talking to dawn yest about some problems of the heart that she had, and I just realised how weird the mechanics of such conditions are. On one hand, here you are, trying to help the person, but on the other, nothing much can be done and you might make the perosn feel worse about stuff, in the process of helping him/her. I felt realli weird cos at times I wasnt sure if wat I said was the right thing, and whether it helped. Oh well, I think ppl always say that at the end of the day, its not really wat u say or anything, but rather just being there is more than enough. Hmm, I guess so. Things always have a funny way of working out I guess.

The Way I am

I realise that my desire to win has always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. Often ppl tell me, "Eh Az, relaxing, its just a game." Well yes, I am aware of dat. But somehow as I told some guys the other day, no matter how many times I lose, whenever it happens it just sux lar. Actually Im an OK loser. Honestly, sometimes if me/the team plays well then Im ok if we lose to a better team. But when we lose cos of our own/my stupid mistakes I tend to get a little frustrated. Oh well. I guess its just the way I am and as much as I want to chnage it I realsie that on the other hand, this overwhelming desire to win and push myself is wat keeps me going and has allowed me to achieve stuff which I would have never seen myself reach a while ago. In a way it sets me apart cos like I have always maintained as the captain ni VJ, I wasnt oustanding in anything except fopr my desire to win, which I infected the rest of the team wif. Oh well enough about me, I hope anybody who reads this can understand me better.

Today I feel so vulnerable.

To a lighter topic, thecamp on wednesday to thursday was realli fun, I realli wanted to make it and even came back to thecampsite after the Ops, at around 5 am. It was realli great spending time wif the family, my mom not stressing over work, my dad not rushing around, everything was perfect. I told myself to make an effort to spend more time wif the famil, cos well just dont want things to turn out the way they didwith my late grandpa. I realli wished I had spared some time wif him. But self-centred me just prevailed.

I realli hope we get to do this again.

"Where did you get posted?" - Dad

"RJ lar, unlike some people" - Azizul, my brother

Well Im rather hurt by the line, since I knew he was referring to. It realli makes me feel useless and inferior, more than I alreadi do all this time. But its ok, I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions, and anyways wat he said was the truth, I didnt go to RJ. But well the tone was rather cutting. Wateva it is, as I mentioned earlier, Ive had enough of my self-centred self, esp wif regards to the family, and I dont wanna take heart into this. Just hope Azizul does well in RJ, and he goes to a realli good Uni. For me, my path has been laid in front of me, so it up to me how I wanna walk it. Maybe this line was just a reflection of myself, and all the cutting lines I deliver to ppl. Sigh.

God is fair.

Yesterdae went ot meet 01A55, was an ok dinner, luckily enough we managed to finish the food, and that was after muchy persuasion by me. Gotta take note in the future not to buy too much food, expecially when more than half of the diners are girls. Pri ate garlic bread, and most of them took about one slice, if not two at most. Each fo the guys took about 3 slices. I think I must have eaten about 5 slices altogether, and in a desperate attempt to finisht he last piece I dissected the slcie into 5 small pieces and divided it amongst the ppl around me. It was quite fun, there was lotsa laughter as always. I remembered Charissa ermaking that I havent changed. Hmm, I'll take that as a compliment, since I did notice a change in some of the people around me. The guys havent changted much, if not for the better. I guess ebging in NS opens your eyes up, and pulls the rug from right below your feet. We no longer live with certain illusions of life that we once possesed as students., instead we see life in SIngapore as it truly is.

So in a way we are all much more sober in one way or another. Of cos there are exceptions, but I think this "sobering-up" applies to most of us, even if we don't especially show it.

My only regret was dat with ten ppl at the table, it was still split into two. Sometimes I dont understand how come girls cant talk in bigger groups, maybe its cos they feel more secure in "opening up" to smaller groups. so it was kinda awkward that with 10- ppl at the same table, we were still divided 5 and 5. Shuls and Pri had to go off soon enough, and Jia Jun and Mag went soon after even withjout us realising it. Daph Charissa and Jasmine came to join the guys at Istan Park, where we actually talked collectively as a group for the first time dat night. Overall it was an ok night. Realli wished Mel had been around but well, dats dat.

My thanx to all the ppl who made the effort to turn up last night (Daph, Cherry, Shulster, Pri, Mag, Jun, Just, Dong, Jas and Bono), particularly to;

Jasmine, whom I hadnt seen in a long time, thanx for organising the whole thing and getting so many ppl down. Had a good talk on the way home. Absolutely the most level-headed and rationale girl I know.

Dong, Jus and Bono, the A55 guys, some things never change, and I'm glad you guys havent.

Bert, as usual thanx for the ride. I feel bad that I always lompang u and dont pay for it, but Im grateful that I have somebody who is willing to lend a hand so easily. I noe many who would rather not.

I can't wait for Uni to come back next week, its already wednesday today, and in about 8 days, she'll be back. Ive been telling her to no longer go for such long trips and leave me alone down here, but in a way its a blssing cos i realise how things would be without her, and realise how much she means to me. Its gonna be a busy week, long hours today and tommorow. Maju on Saturday and soccer game on Sunday.

But i guess the exhaustion is worth it, at least this time around.

This past week has been a funny week, for a few reasons. Uni isnt around so it realli sux lar, I mean I jus realisde dat without her around theres not much stuff to look forward to. Ive been having recurring dreams of her coming over and spending time and all, honest...but well when I wake up and realise shes not around, hmmm....I'm sad lar, but i accept it. Man this sounds so freakin drama haha I cannot stand myself. But its true though, sometime have to be a bit drama to get the thought/msg across.

Yesterdae met up wif shulster and pri and went to watch without a paddle. Was quite funny lar thought it was plotless. I loved the moment went Seth Green was told to get in the "foetal position" only to be carried by the bear in its mouth. Freakin funny. We hung around, went to Esplanade to check out art pieces, I swear I couldnt get any one of them. Pri was busy trying to pry the glass and gettin at the exhibits, haha. Shulster as usuasl was damn funny lar, i tell u not many girls are as "joker' as her. Ok superbly bad english. Then me and pri went to watch AZizul busk. He was ok lar, though a bit of overkill at times. But he was ok. The girl was realli quite bad,and she totally spoilt my immortal. Talking about dat, I need to find a girl to front the SMU band man. But someone with Amy Lee's vocal prowess is really really hard to find. But anyways the day was fun. Pri and Shulster thanx for the time, app u guys hanging out wif me.

I met Huda and her sis Badriah in the 15 on the way home. It was a very pleasant surprise and Im glad they're doing well. Huda's english has improved a lot, and she spoke realli well yest, glad to noe shes doing an Econs diploma, and Badirah has grown up so much, I last saw them a illion years ago, and now though she still looked the same she behaves so differently....BTW huda and her sis were the daughters of my first religious teacher, a man i realli realli respect. So meeting them was a nice moment, considering I hadnt seen them for about 6-7 years.

Hmmm, this week Dawn Lim and Kelly Chua added me on friendster. I felt realli appreciative fo their gestrues, but was also upset that I didnt try and keep contact with my primary school frends. Oh well....I only have myself to blame.

This week Maju was fun, I saw a lto of smiles, and I could feel the togetherness, we realli did a lot passing today, and I felt that I had a good game, it felt brilliant to play on the right and run up and down the field again. I hope this continues. Me and Fong have come up wif a donation card thingey, so dont hesitate to donate!

The Ops was not as bad or as tiring as I expected. I underestimated the duration by one hour and in the end worked for 15 hours in all. Want around wif Jimmy, OOP and See. Was ok lar, I even took the opporutnity to do some traffic control stuff even though I wasnt sure. Saw a lot of the ministers passing by, surprisingly driving their own cars....Well i was surprised since everybody around the station wants to be driven around but here all these bigshots would rather drive themselves even though they have a PSO(Personal security officer) wif them. RESPECT. I had a good time dat day, and OOP was in a good mood.

Things settled down soon enough, and at the end of the day I was happy since it was the last event of the year. Plus the food was good.

But wif the big break, comes all the laziness and stuff. I like being relaxed but I hate not havin anything to do. yest I just took the Linkin Park "Collision Course" CD and started playing along to it. Im surprised how easy the chords actually are, and all u need is a lot of common sense and a decent hearing ear. I was really inspired by how all Jay Z's street beats were fused together wif the dirty linkin park chords. But of course to be fair, sloem of the songs like in the end and papercut sounded fucked up. I havent written songs in a long while now, and it kinda sux. Think I should soon lar, but the thing is I can't realli plan it or anythin, it just happens. maybe I will refine the 2 existing songs I already have....maybe..

I've gotta jam realli soon.

This week will eb an empty week, looking forward to Friday and meeting up wif Pri and Shulster to see Azizul busk. Then Saturday havin the family day and then Maju. I realli hope the other committes strat moving real soon. Mini is gonna be missing for a month, and well I think it kinda sux that he expects us to commit when he, the one who pulled us in, is not showing the same amount of commitment. Nonetheless, he has his reasons and I respect that.

The past few days have been hell, I've been workin 14-15 hours evryday since tuesday and it realli taking a toll on me. Tom willbe a long day, stupid over-deployed PAP Ops, cant believe we are putting more policemen to secure the PAP members of 6000 compared to national day which has 65000. Cock. But i guess for national day got other divisions so still quite huge lar...

Finally

After 6 months the idol road finally ended, for now. I had my best Idol watching session by far cos Bert and Phil came over and we talked cock and watched the idol show. It was realli funny, we kept laughing at how the bloody judges kept on "angkat-ing" the two contestants. Then again even if they give a critique, the contestant has no more show to improve...Taufik was the fair winner I felt, even though I didnt realli connect to his songs, never heard of em anyways....I wonder how hes gonna go patrolling wif all the fanfare and stuff..More imptly I wonder how he managed to get so much leave just to go for idol.

But anyways latest news is dat Sylvester got the same deal as taufik, and it pissed off a lot of ppl, one guy even said that Taufik's win gave a sense of achivement to the Malays....blah blah blah...bullshit lar. Props to Taufik but sense of achievement? Well, I guess we malays are realli that shallow. Anyways Taufik got 25 Gs cash so ok. I mean it would put me thru my whole of university, even wif an honours year so 25 Gs is a big deal to me. Sylvester? Well i dunno wat anybody finds in him, but as Ive always said they havent heard jeremy yet so wateva.

Next year I hope to see more ppl i noe take part, I heard Shulster and Jia Jun are taking part. Hopefully Jeremy....my brother and maybe fong should give it another shot! But well the true test comes now, that all the hype has died down.

Sending Uni off

I managed to spend a good part of my time wif uni on Thursday thank god, and I manage to haul my ass off the floor at 6 this moring to go and send her off at Harbourfront. I had my doubts about the trip and all and how the arrangements were so shady. But when I saw the ppl she was going wif I felt better. The leaders of the team look rather capable too. But well Uni, is precious and more imptly fragile, so I'm just a bit nervous while shes gone. She'll only be back on the 23rd so its gonna be a lonely december. Hopefully can get the PS and start playing....



Anyways its a few hours to Maju, hope can have a good time today. ben will be back, and hopefully terence and Jem's frend can come. I hate ppl who come one shot lar...but then again they hav all the reason to. Just dat working wif such bloody committed buggers at VJ, has raised my expectations. I reali wish tomorrow wont come, but then again, i cant wait to be over. Its like a wall of barbed wire to the promised land. Itll be painful, I noe, and I can never prepare for it, but i gotta go thru this wall and burst out at the other side.

Countdown: 32 hours to the promised land

Out.