Looking for a light

For those of you who know me well enough, you would know that I was very badly affected by my grandpa's passing in 2003. Dont wish to go into detail cos it was a terrible memory, but well the r'ship we had was a very close one, especially in my formative years, and losing him to cancer (of which I am convinced is a fucked up terrible disease) was a very bad blow to me. Anyways, 3 years later, I must say I am a lot better, but its mainly cos I do not think so much about it and try to detahc myself from the whole memory.

Anyways, this evening, I took a nap after getting back to tuition and had a completely unbelievable dream, let me tell u all what happened.

We, as in the extended family and all, were at a house in Malaysia, well it looked dat way, and there was my grandpa and grandma as well, as well and some of their friends. Anyways, we were all at the porch, it was a terracve house so we were eating in theporch near the driveway. What happened next was very puzzling, one of the friends went off for a while and came back in a big big black vehicle which looked more like a tank, all i can remember was that it had huge headlights. He drove into the driveway, and failed to stop in time, hit a table, which hit my grandpa, who was caught unawares. My grandpa fell backwards, the back of his neck hit a table behind him and he crumpled to the floor. Damn drama rite? Haha, well, dats wat happens in dreams I guess.

Wat happened next was realli very real. Nobody seemed to move and attend to my grandpa, and I shouted and ran towards him, and he looked like he was knocked out cold. Even though it was a dream,I realli felt genuinely worried and panicked as I attended to him. I remember I was damn worried cos I saw him hit the back of his neck as he went down, and remembered feeling realli scared cos well the back of the neck is a fragile area.

After a while he came to, unharmed. But I remember I stood up and seriously fucked everybody around me, as in berated them for not caring and attending to him earlier, for freezing up when my grandpa needed help. I remember scolding my uncles, and even my mom, as tears streamed down my face cos I was so damn upset with everybody. I remember being realli realli upset. Again for those who know me, I need to be REALLI upset for me to start tearing.

Then I woke up.

Shit man, and I realised my whole face was wet, I was realli crying! It was realli freaky I tell you, and I had a realli uncomfortable feeling wondering what on earth the dream meant, I'm a firm believer that dreams are a reflection of whats going on in your head, in some obscure way. But realli, this is the first time I have ever cried while dreaming, and also the feeling of being upset and disturbed is so real, I cannot seem to dismiss it and just shake it off.

Oh well, but no I'm ok, after doing some work, Im not thinking of the earlier days' events so much. As much as I miss my grandpa I hope I never dream about him again, cos no matter how happy the dream is, I will always feel sad when I wake up.

Cos I will realise he's not there anymore.

Out.

posted by Me @ 12:37 AM