Looking for a light

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.

Sorry I’m tryin to get things out of my system. Today ranks as my most fucked up day as in VJ Girls Soccer. Claudia and Shi Min didn’t make it to VJ, and I am really really really feeling so down, mainly cos I wished I could have done more about it, I wish I would have had more influence over the decisions. I wish I would have coached better last year, so Mr Tan would give us more respect. I wish I would have forseen this earlier and worked at it as soon as possible. I wish I wish I wish.

Now, my heart is really like squashed, I haven cried in front of the girls before, and I told myself that I wouldn’t, but in the end it still happened, thank god I had the cover of darkness to at least shroud a bit of my tears. I’ve gone thru this process so many times, yet it always hurts, I tell the girls to be strong and re-focus but at the same time I am the one struggling to regain control of this chaotic head of mine.

This is when I hate being a coach, cos you have to try and be emotionally detached, I should be back at my drawing board now, trying to sort things out figure who I need to replace my players. But how can I do dat? I cannot look at my players as commodities, can’t bring myself to. It’s the morning after and I still can’t bring myself to start planning. If I was a player in the past, I could still just allow my emotions to take me over. But as a coach, I know its impt. to make sure that of all the people, I must be strongest and must not crumble under the utmost pressure. Guess I have been doing ok despite all the crap I received so far, but today has been different, today I just have to take a step away.

Sigh, why did it have to come to this? Anywayz, as some of you might know I haven’t written a song for very long, mainly cos I haven had anything I really considered to write on. But today, I finally did, and the title of this song is “The Things That Matter”. Took me close to a year before I finally am inspired to write something.

To Claudia and Shi Min, if u guys ever stumble on this site (girls who view this pls inform them), I just want you to know that you have touched my heart in so many ways and I find it so hard to say goodbye. But its not goodbye, as someone once said, it’s a see u later. I hope I have managed to change your life in some way as you have changed mine. The passion you guys show, the love, and the dedication to this wonderful team will be a story I will tell over and over again to the many batches to come. Love you guys lots, and don’t forget me k?

Out.

posted by Me @ 10:11 AM