Looking for a light

Its not easy, to be me....

Today was the karaoke finals, and I got a consolation prize, which I didnt even bother to collect. Anyways my bro collected it for me, and Im giving him bout 60% of it lar, I told him I just wanted $20 to tide me over for the next few weeks.

I was realli nervous today, cos I was the first guy to sing. I thought it went ok, and I guess it was ok, as many ppl around me said. I remember Phil told me before the results...."Eh don't worry if you don't get top three I will get out of Ops unit."

Well, naturally, as my brilliant luck would have it, I didnt finish in the top three, and Phil? He is still in Ops Unit thankfully.

I guess its typical Azrul lar, those of you who have known me long enough know that my drive to succeed is ultimately the very anchor that pulls me to the bottom. At the end of the day I was quite upset lar, but I was very very disappointed that I had let the people who believed in me down.

Don't worry, I expect no sympathy from anybody.

I dunno wats worse....letting yourself down....or the people around u? That will be the subject of my new poll. I had 8 ppl take part in my last one, so I hope I will get more response for this one.
For me I guess its a bit of both. I feel really bitter even till now, and I'm very very disappointed. But well not like dats gonna change anything rite? I guess I'm just tired of knowing the fact and being reminded by God dat I cant seem to achieve much in this world. The scars from maju yest are still fresh, and suddenly now I have another one. I realli love singing but when things like this hapen I just wonder why I even bother.

Khadijah once told me that she doesnt like taking part in singing comps cos it spoils your passion for singing. How true. Then again if i got somethign better than I did toay, I'd prob not say so. Sometimes I just wonder if all of this is just worth it lar...

I wish I could go on and on bout how things didnt go my way today but I won't cos it hurts thinkin bout it, but well, it is the holy month of Ramadhan so I shall count my blessings...

I'm blessed cos...

1) I have a group of frenz and a brither who are willing to be there for me. Phil never stopped encouraging me before, during and after the comp, and for dat I'm grateful.
Gilbert made his way down even when he didnt have to. Jeremy even wanted to go himself. Azizul, despite evrything, has always proved himself to be a hell-of-a-reliable brother, being there for most of my performances, and even helping to fill in for one. Even See came down, I guess the presence of these ppl realli made the night somewhat special, and I'm sorry dat I had to let them down. I'm sure they're prob beg to differ once they read this, but it doens't take anything away from the fact dat I had let them down.

2) I was given the clarity and clear-headedness by God to pray even in such a time. Even though I was in the middle of a comp, I still made my way to pray to Him. Even though it was in a stuffy stairwell. Alone. But I'm grateful dat He never forgot bout me, and indeed even though I walked away wif nothing, at least I had fulfilled my duties, first and foremost as Muslim.

3) To have a wonderful girlfriend like Uni around. No matter wat, she has always been around for me, and like I told her just now, knowing I had her around was more than anything I could ask for.

4) I have had the opportunity to pratice and experience this competition. I have never entered an individual singing comp, much less a karaoke one, but well it thought me a lot of stuff lar, and I realised how impt it was/is to hav confidence in yourself. Knowing dat u are good enough goes a long way. However, this is def the last comp I wanna take part in, cos I cant stand the heartache. Lame I noe, but I'm sure u hate the feeling too.

Impossible, as it may seem.
You've got to fight for every dream.
Cos who's to know, which one you let go..
Will make you complete.

I guess its true dat you have to fight for your dreams.
But you gotta pick your fights.

"The only guy who said that it doesn't matter if you won or lost, probably lost."

But music is too much a part of me to give it up. I told people once that I wanna sing cos I wanna sing, and doing it for anything else would spoil it. How did I forget?

Out.

posted by Me @ 1:08 AM